I had a terrible grisly dream last night. I was in some church and the congregation was socializing. Two bodies in coffins arrived, and we didn’t know what to do with them since they were unmarked or the cemetery was full or something along those lines. Someone mentioned just leaving the deceased in the church, but people were starting to complain about the smell… One of the bodies was an old woman and she was decomposing at a much faster state than the other one. People were getting fussy and the minister said she’ll take care of it. So a group of us (me excluded) lifted up the coffin and the body fell… there was fluid and her body was limp and grey. So everyone is freaking out and the minister goes and starts slicing up the body in every which way. The corpse’s intestines fell out of her abdominal cavity. The smell had gotten 10x worse and people were gagging and trying not to vomit.

After she was sliced up, my brother and I had to bag her body and dispose of it by chucking the remains into a garbage truck and worrying about not getting caught. Then my dream switched to something else…

Really gross and weird.

Dark Nights

I really don’t like this time of year. Not because of the holidays mind you, but because everything’s colder, the trees are bare, and the nights grow long and dark.

K and I had a lengthy discussion yesterday about our future. When milestones will take place, how we fit into each other’s lives, and how we see things going. I’ve been ready to move forward and settle down for a while now – engagement things, sharing our lives together as one things – this I’ve very much wanted. He seemed open and receptive. But I started prodding deeper. It’s important to know if this is what he really wants, or if it’s something he’s going along with, or if he’s even ready. The reason why I pressed on is because he never brings up the subjects ever and it was as if he was just going along with it. It was always me who initiated it… and it ended on a sad note.


I feel as if I’m going through a growth transition in my life and for once I have accomplished something important.

After three month’s worth of pestering my superiors, and patiently waiting it out, I finally got a raise. It’s very rare that raises are even given out at my workplace, so it came as a pleasant and grateful surprise. It’s a decent amount too, which means I should be financially stable now for a while. I’ll probably be sticking around my workplace for another year or two. A little bit more and I’ll have exceeded my monetary goal for when I hit 30.

Piggybacking off that, it’s time to start “building my nest”, or getting serious about my future and home life. I have puppy who fills my heart with joy and a nurturing boyfriend. K and I, we’ve planned to live together again in spring. Though we’re doing very well and it’d be nice to come home to him, I also feel very conflicted. I’m growing quickly in my career and ready to settle down whereas his focus is more on video games… … … Our priorities are completely different.

Although we dated on and off, we’ve spent almost every weekend with each other, even while our relationship was on hold. We will have known each other six years come August and it really bothers me that we haven’t really progressed… That and we’ve already did the whole living together thing.

We’ve also talked about our wants and futures, but I don’t know. He wants to play house whereas I want to get engaged before wasting more time & getting suckered into a brick wall. He knows it, but has never brought up the engagement or marriage thing, nor has it ever been an original idea from him; it always felt like it was an idea that was forced upon him or something I planted in his head.

There’s a deadline in my mind and it’s ticking away. Six years is a very long time. I need to be with someone who will give me the commitment I’m looking for because they want to and because it feels right to them.

I love him, I truely really do. But our priorities are just not on track at all and that’s very worrisome. As much as we love each other, however much time we’ve put in, sometimes things just don’t or can’t work out. And if or when that happens, there’s absolutely no trying again, no turning back.

I want to find my better half and it will happen someday. I have regained confidence and owe it to myself. I never, ever want to be that pathetic ever again. Because REMEMBER: ultimatums don’t work. It should never have to come to that.

Issues: V01

– Self
– Us
– Pits

With the help of my doctor and medication, I’m much closer to being the person I’ve always wanted to be. The oscillation has calmed down greatly and, as a result, my mind is able to focus on life and things of importance rather than being swallowed in toxic cynicism.

K and I are doing very well; our relationship is the strongest its ever been. We’ve smoothed the bumps and have slowly repaired our foundation together. I wonder if he knows how much I look forward to the simple things we share: our cuddles, waking up next to him, playing with baby, and sharing with him lovingly crafted meals. When I’m walking with my head in the clouds, he gently pulls me back to earth. He is my best friend, my better half, and means the world to me.

My depression is doing better. I think I’m slowly transitioning out of the depressive stage and back to myself. Or at least I hope so. I’ve been happier lately and want to keep it that way.

I haven’t been thinking about moving as much, but it’s still on my radar for sometime in the future. Not a fan of this city or state, but I’m not sure where I’d go or if K would come/agree to said location.