Fret

Looks like I’ve really dug myself a hole this time.

I’ve been really anxious lately. Baby has to be alone for a few hours everyday and it makes me feel so shitty. She’s only three months and it’s a crucial time in her life, but I can’t be there for her. The distance isn’t terrible, but I wish I lived closer to my work.

All I have of materialistic value is my car and my computer. And if anything happens to my car it’ll trigger a very unpleasant landslide of events. The thing that makes me antsy is that my car sounds awful already, but I can’t afford a newer one or to fix it at this moment.

There’s an article floating around somewhere that says “47% [of Americans] lack ready cash to pay a surprise $400 bill.” It’s terrifying. God I remember how desperate I was as a sophomore and it’s something no one should have to do. But I don’t know, not being able to take care of expenses is eating at me.

And K’s done more than enough already, I don’t want him to know or stress out.

Hoping things turn around soon.

Ramblings, V01

Jotting down my thoughts and all the little things in between.

I’ve been a little on edge lately and it’s due to lack of sleep, my dwindling funds, body issues, my need to leave this city, and raising puppy.

Money: My funds aren’t in the best shape at the moment which is a bit distressing. My student loans are close to 26k now (last year it was 34k). They’re all paid ahead until November, so I may put off paying this month’s dues in order to breathe a little. I like the new place, it’s nice, but much more expensive than my old apartment. News on my raise has been mum and it’s making me nervous.

Medicine: After switching to Wellbutrin, I’ve lost all the stubborn weight that Celexa had put on. Though I’m about six pounds from my goal weight, my body is still very much “skinny fat”. It’s an uncomfortable feeling living in this skin of mine and looking at myself. The new meds also makes me feel sick all the time.

Home: I absolutely loathe this city, I HATE this backwoods ass state. Statistics show that this city is 40% ghetto and after living here my entire life, the urge to leave/explore has intensified greatly. I’m sick of living in this run down, racist, segregated cesspool of a town. It’s depressing. K wants us to move to a nice quiet suburb and settle here a while longer, but that’s not feasible. He’s originally from the pacific northwest, thus he’s still settling into the midwest whereas I already have one foot out the door. I won’t fare well in an area that’s predominantly Caucasian. My workplace is already a sea of white faces and it’s difficult enough trying to assimilate into their culture. I feel so out of place and it’s uncomfortable; It’s hard trying to relate to them. This place, this state, it just isn’t for me.

In addition, he’s had the opportunity to travel quite a bit & the luxury of visiting different cities whereas I’m in my late 20’s and have yet to step foot on a plane. One of my largest clients is a travel agency and the more I work on their campaigns, the more exposure there is to what the world has to offer. Not sure how much longer this feeling can remain suppressed. So many different experiences and opportunities out there, and yet I’m stuck here. I just want to find my element, a chance to start all over, to reinvent who I am. But it leaves K & I in a state of uncertainty. It’s something we can’t seem to compromise on. God I wish we were on the same page & path, but that seems inevitable. Our life paths are headed in opposite directions. Timing is not our friend.

Puppy: Oh puppy, you little fur ball of energy. I love puppy very much and though it’s been a very challenging first month, we’ve made significant progress; Baby is becoming more affectionate and wants nothing more than to play and nap in my lap. She is my world and though it was an extremely expensive process, she’s worth every penny.

Puppy concern: Wish K would be more gentle and forgiving when it comes to her little mishaps. Though he means well, K loses his patience with her quickly and it’s troublesome. She’s a baby & doesn’t know better. The way he drags her on her leash and how he yells at her the way he used to yell at his cat… It just rubs me the wrong way.

Work related: I’ve been avoiding my coworker lately. He’s a nice guy, don’t get me wrong, but after working with him for a year I can understand why he hasn’t been given a raise or a nice bonus in forever. He’s so fucking bitter about everything and his multitasking skills could use major improvement. I don’t understand how he has difficulty with coding (with HTML & CSS mind you) a few pages. That’s something I can do in a few hours while putting together an email and throwing together a set of 25 banners or whipping up interactive banners. The company’s recently added a new developer who needs a little assistance on the backend of the sites we manage. His attitude is “my job isn’t to train someone” or “he should know this” or “it’s not that hard”. It doesn’t resonate well with me as that was how he treated me when I first began. He’s not wrong, but his approach is so whiny and childish. Stop bitching and change that attitude J, you’re devaluing your worth.

Offbeat

I’ve recently learned that a few of the people I’ve dated in the past (or were infatuated with) have found their better half and are now on their way to building their lives together. They’re already married or are engaged or are headed that way; They seem perfect for each other and I’m happy for them.

I wish I could find in life what they’ve found and have things figured out by now. I want what they have. Happiness. A partner whom I’d do anything for. Adventures. Experiences. Memories. A nurturing symbiotic relationship that pushes each other to their full potential.

It’s silly comparing apples to oranges, but you can’t help but feel defective. You’re nothing more than a trial run. Just a stepping stone for others, a pebble thrown into the waves…

There’s a great deal of resentment I’m still sorting through. Honestly I don’t even know why we’re back together or the purpose of us dating. Maybe we’re settling and are afraid. Or we’re being extremely naive and stupid. Or we’re apprehensive to take the next step, but also too cowardly to end things. Because it has been five years and we still can’t figure things out. You think by now we’d have some sort of an idea, but there isn’t one, there never was one. And we’re surrounding ourselves with distractions of the now so we’d forget about the future. But I’ll find the courage someday. One day.

I don’t know what we’re doing.

Queasy

I’ve been extremely nauseous the past few days, most likely due to my medication. The other day I vomited all the contents in my stomach. Today is not much better; I’ve felt sick to my stomach all day.

This is such an awful feeling, I just want it to stop. Going to contact my Dr and see what he can do.

Momentous

So many things have happened since my last post!

    – I’m on Wellbutrin now. It works well at masking depression, but it makes me really disoriented. Like time slows and skips. But it works.
    – I was being impulsive and in pursuit to calm my maternal affliction, I convinced K to visit an animal shelter in Chicago. It was fascinating looking at all the kittens and doggies. We got to play with several puppies and ended up picking one out and taking her home.
    – Three days later, I received a notice saying my apartment doesn’t allow dogs in the building I was living in and puppy needs to be gone within 5 days. That was really shitty considering that they marketed themselves as super pet friendly. K drove to my place immediately and consoled me as I cried for hours, quite possibly the most I’ve cried in my life. I bonded with the little critter and didn’t want to lose her.
    – We found a new apartment within 3 days and signed the lease. It’s much more expensive, but it feels like home. Cue lease buyout from old apartment. Quite a headache.

It’s been a very, very expensive lesson yet also very rewarding. My depression isn’t prominent anymore and it’s likely due to K’s help and the puppy. She’s our little girl and is a major butthead, but such an innocent little soul. She means so much to me because she represents a time, a place, a specific point in me & K’s journey through life.