A Someone

I think his heart is broken.

We met for tea the other day and he was so excited to see me. I think he thought I was disappointed that he was 15 minutes late. I wasn’t. I had a lot on my mind and seeing him was refreshing, though the warm tingly feeling I had for him when I first met him was no longer present. He sat across from me and tried to make conversation as I fiddled with my plastic topper.

He brought up the subject of living with his parents and how that was a possible deal breaker. I shot him a sympathetic look and nodded my head in agreement. He kind of crumbled and became sad. And when I had to leave shortly, he just seemed defeated.

This guy was going to let me learn how to drive manual on his most prized possession. The guy who made time for me and was so excited to have met me and wanted nothing more than to hang out some more. Hes’s nice, but I need someone with goals and is somewhat career oriented.

He walked me to my car. We hugged each other and he left. He hasn’t spoken to me since.

Rested

After about 2 weeks of sleeping like garbage, I finally was able to get a full uninterrupted 8 hours of sleep last night. It feels great to wake up feeling rested.

Anew

Last night K & I went for a late night drive. We went to the place where we first met – the lakefront. It was dark yet peacefully quiet and we discussed the state of us. It is with regret to say that we’re completely over. I held his hands and told him gently that our road and journey ends here. What we had was a loving yet turbulent relationship which I very much cherish, but due to timing, due to our different aspirations, it was finally time to part ways. It was a very mutually emotional moment and I’m glad we were able to end it on that note.

We grew, we fought, we shared, we loved. I will always remember how we struggled and how beautiful we had grown together. It just sucks that the timing was so off. Maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years when we’re better acclimated we may try again. If not, I hope he makes peace with his inner self and that he finds the one. I am at peace with our journey and a part of me will always care for him.

I’m going to work on self improvement and do some soul searching. The medication seems to have melted away a lot of the anxiety I’ve had and I feel much happier, just able to function and be the person I’ve always wanted to be. For now, I just want to live. It’s time to start a new chapter and venture on a new journey.

Silence

“I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of the life to start as soon as possible.”

I went to the doctor yesterday and discussed depression and personality issues. This may sound stupid, but I’m kind of proud of myself for doing so. I know I have a problem; It’s been an ongoing issue that needs a resolution. This is a step towards fixing what’s wrong and supplementing what’s been going right. The session went well and he put me on some light meds. No huge difference yet, but so far it makes me lethargic and sleepy.

As far as relationships go, I’m unsure where K & I are, I don’t think we’re even in a relationship at this point. More miscommunication and everything’s muddy. While headed down to Joliet, we discussed our future & timelines. Turns out we’re on two very different planes at this point I don’t think we’re salvageable.

It’s great to have goals and needs, but I’m no longer willing to compromise as there’s been too much time invested already. I’m entering my late 20’s, why am I wasting my prime chasing this guy in circles when he cannot decide if his future intertwines with mine. It’s very clear he’s not ready to even date again and I’m ready to either move forward or move on, be it with or without him.

There’s this lovely quote from “When Harry Met Sally”: “All this time I’ve been saying that he didn’t want to get married. But the truth is he didn’t want to marry me. He didn’t love me.” Him saying that, if we move in again & live together for a year and if things don’t go right, he’ll put off engagement till the next year completely rubs me the wrong way and coincides with my theory that he’s comfortable and/or afraid of being alone. I’m sure he wants to get married – just not to me. That coupled with the fact that he wasn’t ready for a relationship after 5 months of fixing (and I got fed up and left) isn’t helping his case. It’s all so emotionally draining and I don’t even want to discuss this with him anymore.

I need time to collect my thoughts and to figure things out, I think we both need some space – No more back and forth, no more pressure, no more craziness, no more of anything. Just silence.

Nuked

I’ve grown as a person and have different pursuits and goals. I know what I want and need a fresh start. In doing so, it’s time to remove all my previous posts and start over.