Morbid Dreams

Ever since I’ve been on Celexa I’ve had such awful and morbid dreams. Last night I dreamt that a close friend of K’s died and K wanted to keep the body and bury them himself (wtf?) I thought it was a stupendously stupid idea but he wouldn’t budge on disposing the body himself.

And it was laying on his couch fermenting and the body was turning greyish purple and disgusting. And then some random guy walking his dog noticed and K explained the situation and he helped K pack up the body to be buried.

I’m not frightened by them, more like disturbed since they’re so fucked up.

Disclosed

I told him the secret that I’ve pushed into the back of my mind. How back in 2011 I fucked up my sophomore year and it drove me to do something very out of character due to how desperate I was to save myself from being dropped from all my courses. The shame and guilt I’ve hidden from him for years. To release this and finally tell someone felt a bit liberating, though he had to almost pry it out of me; It wasn’t easy letting out.

I was young and stupid and was in full panic mode; I had less than 3 weeks to make that shitty payment. And then I met D. A doctor. Someone who was 1.5x older than me. It was 3 encounters and I just remember closing my eyes and hoping it’d be over quickly and how I felt so disgustingly dirty after those encounters and couldn’t wait to bus home. How I showered and scrubbed myself with soap to rid myself of the grimey feeling that has still never fully went away. D has tried to contact me several times since then, but I’ve managed to block him out of my life.

This all played a huge role in why I kept sabotaging our relationship and the deep, dark pits of depression I’ve dug myself into. Because I betrayed him and don’t deserve someone like him, but he kept holding on and it made me so immensely guilty. Even when I was being mean and purposefully pushing him away, hoping he’d end things, he held on. That and other outside factors just consumed me and everything just boiled over on that ride to Joliet.

The medication has greatly contributed calming my mind down and thus I’ve able to truly open up my heart to him. The last few months have been absolutely the most intimate, most loving and affectionate we’ve both ever been. This is what true love and happiness is. That wonderful fuzzy feeling of never letting go mixed with warmth, appreciation, and smiles. And I don’t deserve any of it.

Whether we fix ourselves or separate from here, whatever happens will happen. If I lose him, then it’s completely my fault.

But no more secrets.

Balloon

I don’t understand how I’m gaining so much weight and I’m certain it’s due to the Celexa. Prior to taking the medication in April I weighed in at 120 lbs, just a cool 5 pounds shy of my goal weight.

Three weeks ago I weighed close to 120 and now I’m teetering at 130 which doesn’t make sense. I’ve been more active, have started eating a more wholesome Mediterranean diet consistent of fresh fruits, nuts, more veggies and less meat in general, and I’ve been drinking a ton more water.

I logged my calories today and I’ve eaten about 1600 calories which is how I usually eat throughout the week.

Am I bloated? Waterlogged? Eating too much sugar or salt? Gaining 2-3 pounds a year is the norm for me, so gaining 10 in 3 months is very unusual.

Going to do some more digging into this matter because when using Reclipsen alone, I was losing weight. In the meantime, more cardio and weightlifting will be implemented into my daily routine.

Advise

“4: Your career is like a highway. Choose your on-ramps and lane changes carefully.

This is a very good analogy for a career in advertising. Probably also for a career in anything. If I didn’t get into the lane that got me into Hunt Lascaris I would never have come as far as I did.

Remember lesson 1: the environment is incredibly important. Great talent will wilt and suffer in the wrong environment. Don’t compromise on who you choose to shape your talent.

I made some bad lane changes after I left there, but lucky for me the momentum of my stay there helped me to get back in the fast lane. In fact, after two years I found myself back at …”

Excerpt from Leon Jacobs’ article