I think I’m depressed. It seems like no amount of Wellbutrin or Celexa can shake this feeling and that is troubling. This depression luckily isn’t the horridly dark, disturbing kind I experienced with my previous birth control. This episode is the kind where there’s that feeling of not wanting to do anything and staying in isolation. The feeling of laying in bed and staring at the ceiling all day – no motivation, no energy to do anything.

I’m three pounds from my goal weight, there’s a puppy in my life now, my boyfriend nurtures and cares for me, my apartment is nicer, I have a nicer car, I have a fun & steady job… With the exception of my financial situation, there is absolutely nothing to be depressed about and it’s so bothersome to feel this way. This is not me, this is not who I am, I don’t want this to define me.

God I just want it to stop.


I should visit my doctor as soon as I can so he can prescribe something that’ll make me less bitchy. Not sure why this cranky feeling is so prominent, but it’s bad when I’m starting to annoy myself.


K and I embarked on quite an adventure yesterday in trying to find the right SUV for us. After about 10 calls and us driving all over the place, we settled on a newer Tucson. I think it’ll be a great fit for our little family and our many journeys ahead.

I have his Versa now, and my sister (or brother) now can claim my clunky-yet-reliable car.

Aww he takes such amazingly good care of me & his fur baby.


We, or rather he, brought up the promise ring thing and placed a special order in store – hopefully it’ll be coming in soon.

As a young adult filled with ignorance and angst, jewelry in general was something that seemed really silly. But as time went by, my outlook has changed and now I understand why things like these are so sentimental.

It’s a symbol of commitment, a promise, a little step closer to us and our future together. But mostly I like it because it will remind me of him. Even when he’s not around, I have a little piece of him with me. And that is such a wonderfully pure, beautiful feeling.


I spent my Labor Day weekend mostly cooped up inside with K and Emma. It sounds routine and anti-climatic, but in reality it was lovely spending time with the two beings I love.

There was a chunk of time allotted for us to discuss ourselves, a little bit of the future, and happenings. Due to all the thoughts in my head, all the garbage and anxiety and feeling of overwhelmed, we briefly conversed about my commitment issues and the marriage thing. How I keep wanting to leave. How I need to be more patient and not so impulsive. I think the leaving thing is a shitty defense mechanism – a flight reaction when things get too serious or when I’m afraid of getting hurt. And yes, I agree, it’s really stupid and something I’m really trying to resolve. The patient issue is still a work in progress.

Ultimately it boiled down to us being on different pages and to me it’s disappointing. He’s right though. I need to be patient. I really do love him, very much and as fucked up as I am, I want him all to myself because I’m a selfish lover. In all honesty if he proposed right now I wouldn’t hesitate to say yes. BUT – he’s here to stay and I still have a lot of issues to sort out. Why the rush??? Why am I being so rash? It’s a touchy subject and something I don’t want to press anymore.

I am really excited for him to move in though. Even though we see each other every weekend, it doesn’t fill the emptiness of the days until then. I’ve missed living with him, coming home to him and greeting each other with warm, gentle hugs. He is my buggie. Words can’t describe how wonderful he is.

In other news, I have a queen sized bed now and don’t have to worry about K stealing all the bed and me falling off.

untitled, version 1

What’s on my mind: random poem belongings by me
this one’s called untitled

Lay me upon the ground
so my soul can float in ecstasy
our hands touch
like lost minds in a lost time
as if time stood still

There’s a place I want to take you
just you and I
stay beside me
until the ebony skies
pulse with colorful lights casting shadows
leaves us tracing figures with our eyes
shiver into the night

And we’ll lay here
an anchor into the sea
and we’ll stay here
like limbs on trees

I’ll hold you into the sunrise
just you and I