“This isn’t easy to say,
but I think it’s time that I got moving on
So I’ll keep my thoughts focused on today,
and hope that I’m happy with where I end up.
With where I end up.
There comes a time in all our lives,
When we start living life for ourselves.
It’s not selfish to follow your heart,
to start reaching out for something more,
for anything more.”
It’s been several days and this is possibly the longest we’ve gone without contacting one another. All part of the moving on and coping process I suppose, and yes it does feel odd.
He hasn’t reached out to me and at this point most of the hopeful glimmer that we’d be salvageable has died which, in its own way, is a good thing. It’s time to accept that we were at very different points in our lives. I was very emotionally invested and just wanted to ensure we had a future. I wanted a promise and some assurance and it just never happened. Love makes one foolish and due to my impulsiveness of every day, every month that went by without a sign of anything… Due to pressuring him, he tried less and less and I just had enough. Everything just started eating at me and it made me become someone completely different. For that I’m truly sorry. But it seems he didn’t see the value in us, I wasn’t worth it, and ultimately it’s his loss.
Mentally, physically, emotionally I’m doing better. Baby steps, but I’m getting there. The photo I had printed of him lives on my fridge. The ring I was going to surprise him with is journeying back to its origin.
My mind has stopped devouring me and I’ve lost all interest in looking at & bookmarking engagement rings & wedding dresses. The thought of us coming home to one another, experiencing life together, growing old together… The house in the country and the chickens and gardens are now just a dream that I’ve bottled back up and placed somewhere far in the back of my mind. Out of sight, out of reach.
As of the moment self improvement seems to be the best route as I’ve picked up some PHP and JS tutorials and more freelance work to keep my mind distracted. However I’ll probably reintroduce myself to dating.
It was a turbulent 4.5 years and a part of me will always miss us. People break up for all kinds of reasons – sexual incompatibility, cheating, falling out of love, etc… We didn’t even have any of that. It’s trivial and silly that it had to come to this. We grew up together, loved together, and shared together. It’s difficult finding someone like that, someone that makes you happy and makes life worth it. He was my partner and my best friend. I hate that it had to come to this. But I guess when you’re not on the same page, it’s time to move on. Life will definitely be different without him.
There will always be small spot in my heart for him. I don’t hate him by any means. Disappointed yes, but no hateful feelings here. Life goes on and I aim to find someone who can give me what he couldn’t.