Provide

I miss having someone to cuddle and cook for. I’d date again, but I’m too bitter and unstable for anything committed. And finally I miss him. I don’t want to repeat the past, but I don’t want to lose him either. I am so selfish.

What am I doing with myself.

Circadian

What the hell, brain. I fell asleep at 6, woke up at 10, and now it’s 2am and I can’t go back to sleep. This has been my routine for the past 2 weeks. What the hell is up???

Volatile

I should probably go to sleep, but I find myself laying here trying to distract my mind from the constant nagging of reality. My apartment is a mess. Everything about me is a mess.

We talked again yesterday and it just left more questions than answers. I’m unsure as to why we just don’t let sleeping dogs lie. There’s a lot of bitterness and resentment (at least inside me), and thinking of it all is just not worth my time & energy.

Time to leave it be and move forward. The key is for all of us to rise above the rough times. To learn from them but not let them change who we are, into jaded individuals.

In other news, today was my final day at my part time job. I feel a lot happier leaving that place, but it leaves my money situation in a sketchy spot. Ultimately I feel as if I’m making the right choice. It feels nice to have my life back.

Slumber

I feel sick. Too much going on and my mind craves eternal slumber. I wish I could crawl under my covers and sleep for days.

I can’t stop thinking about how he stood by the door. His voice cracking, staring at me teary eyed, apologizing about how broken we’ve become and how much he loved me.

I wish I could lay down with him and stroke his hair, listening to his heartbeat while holding him close and assuring him everything would be okay. I wish I could have celebrated his birthday with him, seeing him gleefully opening the stupid gift I got him and just being there to help him feel beautiful and loved. I wish I could have consoled him and provided him with some sort of closure.

But instead I stared at him blankly. And I hate myself for that.

We exchanged keys and he grabbed whatever was his and left. This is really it. This is the end of a friendship, our endeavors, the death of us. And it all really, really sucks.

Horizon

I was talking to my sister about personal issues & why I have a specific complex and after about an hour’s worth of discussion, we uncovered the root of the issue. I revealed something that I’ve thrown into the back of my mind since forever and her answer was so simple, yet solved the issue I’ve struggled with my entire life.

“…it will make you feel special because all you’ve ever done was do things for other people.”

Growing up, I’ve never had anyone to look up to – my father was largely absent to provide for the family and my mom worshipped my older brother. I didn’t have a say growing up and my mom didn’t seem to take any interest in my childhood. I was used as my brother’s punching bag. My family was extremely poor and I had shitty hand me downs and was made fun of a lot as a kid. Cue more ridicule as an ugly, fat & awkward teenager. Relationship with mom didn’t fare any better. I attended an extremely shitty high school. Got into a few shitty relationships. And I’ve been bending backwards to give my siblings, my job, and whatever/whoever else the things they need while sacrificing that of my own. I’ve spent my entire life doing things for other people and being the inconspicuous nobody who is too meek to look people in the eye & floats right under the radar. I now realize that I just want to feel truly loved, appreciated, and to be or seem beautiful to someone. I wish someone would truly care about who I am, how my day went, etc.

So it’s no surprise that I have a very unhealthy view of who I am and what I desire & the reality is pretty pathetic. And now that I’m free to pursue whatever my heart wants, I will unfortunately seek things that will cause more emotional pain in an effort to feel something. I’ll fill my home with useless shit to have some feeling of importance or belonging. I’ll mix with the wrong kind of men because they’ll want me for all the wrong reasons & fill my broken head and ears with the fake gratification my mind wants to hear, even if my heart knows how superficial it all is. I suppose that’s okay because I’m tired of chasing blank dreams and whatever happens doesn’t matter anymore to anyone but myself.