In Pursuit

Drinking wine while listening to Daughter brings forth this deep melancholic feeling deep in my chest. I miss those nights, our trips, the special little moments.

But I think I’m ready to be happy again. The timing seems right and dwelling on bygones is something I can’t keep doing.

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Frustration

Being bitter isn’t how I want to live or something I want to dwell on, though one must admit that after investing 4 freaking years into something (& living together for 3!) you think is potential and your partner is still all “huh duh” about where things are headed then maybe, just maybe, it’s time to wake up and move on. People get too comfortable, that’s why. I’ve tried very hard to explain to him that it hurts to be with someone who you know you want to be with, but they aren’t ready yet for the future (or are too stupid to realize it). Cue rejection.

And I’m left feeling so stupid because I keep going back and being his hobby, his play toy and he just wants to play house. What the fuck. He’s stuck on his own issues and I just “add to his hurt”.

So you can see why I think this whole proposal about moving back in together to try it again for another year or two leaves me skeptical and weary. Because he’s unhappy about the fact that I’m not attracted to trans women or his cross dressing. He’s exactly right though – It’s not what I want, not what I’m biologically attracted to or something I willingly signed up for, BUT the fact that I can overlook these issues and have tried to accommodate both our needs and stayed with him for 4 fucking years because I truly do love him doesn’t mean anything to him. Apparently he’s still hurt about it and “trying to find a new road to acceptance”.

Because think about it – we’ve dated for over 4 years & lived together for about 3. We didn’t really argue and life was gravy 90% of the time. I’ve been asking over and over where we were headed which, at this point, was a very valid question and concern.

And his answers have all been extremely vague and pretty much sums up that we’re not going anywhere. (we’re going to buy a house first, I want to keep you for always – what does that even mean by the way, and the whole you can’t accept ME me but it looks like you made up your mind). Just fucking tell me that yes, I love you and want to be with you, and yes, I see a future with you, and yes, one day I will make you my wife. But nope, too caught up in the “i want to keep you for always” metaphor. Do YOU know what you’re even saying?!

So will moving in together for another year or two REALLY determine our future, or will it be another disappointing case of playing house? Seems more like he’s on the prowl for a fwb rental roommate type deal and not a relationship.

All this pent up frustration is not healthy. I’m going to focus on getting fit, hot, having fun, and taking a tropical vacation.

Rabbit Hole

Taking a trip down the rabbit hole! A huge den was accidentally uncovered and it’s time to clean the nest. I didn’t really suspect this would happen, but I’m not surprised either. Stay tuned.

In other news… Oh my god the nausea is unreal. I literally sick to my stomach. It’s 12:30am, I should be sleeping. But nope, stomach is having fits of nausea. What an awful side effect.

Waiting

Came back from the doctor and there’s a chance I may have (or will possibly later develop) cancer in my uterus. If there is something unusual, it would explain most of the symptoms I’ve been experiencing. So now just waiting for my lab results to come back.

I feel indifferent about the news. It would be really unfortunate to have such an ailment at this age, but speaking candidly it doesn’t bother me as much as it should. This ailment & the absence of my presence is what could unite my family. I haven’t done much with my life nor contributed to make much of a difference in the world. I am at peace knowing I’ve loved and lost. My only regret is not reaching my full potential.

In other news, did you know that dish soap can help unclog a toilet?! It was clogged all day and bloop! After 10 minutes, toilet is all fresh & clean and good as new!