Though my back is messed up, I’ve gained weight, and summer isn’t going as planned, I feel like I’m on the right track. My boyfriend seems to be happier now that he’s wrapping up enrollment in university (he got accepted to his choice university and in the field he desires) and job prospects for me seem to be okay. My relationship with my family is stable and I’m learning to drive.

If only I could fix my back, get more income, and get my driver’s license…

Pretty sure I have a herniated disc. Damn me.

Due to stress, depression, and bad dietary decisions, I gained seven, maybe eight pounds since April. Eight pounds doesn’t seem like a big deal to people, but for someone my tiny height it makes a huge difference. For the next two months I’m going to limit my diet and workout to lose it. I was at my thinnest November – March (in relevancy to the past year/this year, not overall). I want to be at that point again, maybe even thinner. My measurements are 34 – 28 – 36 now and ideally I want to be at 33 – 26 – 35.

Let’s do this

I hate driving with my dad. He is so overly protective and cautious of how I drive. It’s so annoying and borderline dangerous – kept jerking the steering wheel away and distracting me by yelling 30 different things (change lanes, watch where you’re going, you’re going to hit the curb, are you upset now?, etc).

Damn it dad, have some faith in me. On the flipside, his car is pretty peppy. I’m not used to driving a car with more horsepower, so that was interesting. I’ll stick with my humble little Saab though.

I am so tired of being rejected by him. It’s always excuses – stress, tired, etc. Maybe I’m not doing something right or not attractive enough, too fucking foreign or something. I mean, unless I’m bound or wearing a hood or doing some other degrading shit just for him to touch me/accept my touch. Truthfully I think there’s something else going on in his head that he’s not telling me. It’s just extremely unusual.

We barely get intimate anymore anyway, and due to that my libido has been completely shot. And it’s like “Hi, I’m going to initiate something… oh, okay….” only to get shot down over and over. I’m afraid of turning into that person who gets creeped out at the thought of his touch one day due to our lackluster intimate life. “Do you get offended?” Well no fucking shit.

It’s humiliating to me. It’s absolutely pathetic. This is not ideal at all, not what was envisioned. It’s fucking sad.

I’ve had a lot of time to think, and though I absolutely love and adore my SO, I’ve also come across some hesitation from both sides.  It just seems like things are headed no where. (I’m being overly analytical perhaps). We’re both happy with the way things are (and that’s perfectly fine right now), but what will happen when things change? Like a job offer, graduation, a move, something slightly life altering? When we expect more from one another? The outcome will end either instance: it either won’t happen, or will pressure one of us into something. Things have gotten comfortable which I enjoy btw, but we don’t really do anything/go out anymore and it’s. so. boring. boring. boring. Also it makes me feel like he isn’t pleased to be with me in public…

In addition, I feel as if he doesn’t want to get to know my creators. I love my family (as tardy as they are) and they are extremely important to me. My sisters are my best friends and being all cooped up by myself or with him all the time gets routine. Impressions are principle, and he doesn’t seem interested in getting to know them. Vice versa, his family is states away, so I’m not really in the best position to talk about this. That and they’re not exactly the most close-knit family.

Finally, I feel like I’m being held back. Like he doesn’t have confidence in me. Like I’m a child all the time. Like I need to be supervised and need a constant reminder all the time about x and y. It’s humiliating and comes off as stupidly sarcastic. “Do you know what happens when you do x, sweetie?” “… I don’t think that’s a good idea, sweetie” “Good job sweetie!” WAT?

I am here in my mold
And I’m a million different people
from one day to the next

Let’s play a game called Guess My Mood, the exciting game that’s super unpredictable! So exciting that I don’t even know what or how I will be feeling and it is so incredibly frustrating. It’s like a light switch turns on and for the next few minutes it’s a mixture of unnerving rage and angst, then it fizzles out. It is unhealthy and I want it to stop.

So summer is here and I’m in the middle of planning summer trips and whatnot. It is quite exciting and is something I’ve been looking forward to all year. I hope it doesn’t rain. Just him and me in the middle of the woods, staring into the vast starlit sky… it’s quite intimate, romantic, just blissful. It’s making me so excited!

This issue has been on my mind lately; I need to get it off my chest. Here we go:

I really don’t think it’s fair. Correct my thinking if I am in the wrong but… I really do not think it is fair to me or anyone else to carry the burden, stress, and duties of someone else’s children, let alone more than 10 of them. It was not my decision to have that many children and thinking this way makes me feel so guilty and selfish. Don’t get me wrong – I love them all – but I did not wish for this, and I should not have to play parent to my siblings. I’m not sure why my parents decided the way they did. They don’t make anywhere near enough to support us. Yet it makes me feel like a terrible person when they cannot provide so I try to step in. I barely make enough to cover my ass but I still do my best to help out. In the end though it leaves everyone with very little. 

What makes it worse is that most of my siblings are now teens/young adults and yet have no real direction, no perception of the real world except that of the virtual realm. It is embarrassing, borderline failure, and just pathetic. It’s just frustrating as hell; I don’t get their logic. Your kids have turned out terrible (as they proclaim to relatives), yet they kept trying for more. They were not doing anyone any favors. Not to mention that after infant to toddler stage, the love wore off and we were all shoved aside so someone else can assume authority and take on a guardian role. I have a lot of issues which I can attribute to my upbringing.

To make matters worse, their health is deteriorating. Dad’s foot is riddled with arthritis while his mind full of tension from bills, predicaments, stress. And then there’s my mom – mid 40′s going on 60′s with fucked up health and in need of constant monitoring. I’m so worried she will die. Her clock is ticking and ticking fast. He will be left a mess and I know for a fact that I will be the person everyone will lean on.

I am so afraid to sacrifice my future and life to nourish my siblings. I am afraid I will die a brittle middle aged woman plagued by age, stress, health problems. I feel bitter and I’m not sure why I keep providing. Also there is really no one to confide in. What will happen when I need help? The helpless can’t help themselves, so who would I turn to when I’m in need???

This is not what I want, this is not the life I want to build. But if I don’t look after them and help, everyone will look down upon me and will cast me as some inconsiderate, self-absorbed bitch. I feel quite a bit of remorse and guilt. I am so torn.

I love you but you two did this to yourself. I feel terrible. I am all over the place. Am I the selfish one?

My mom was admitted to the hospital this morning and due to her illness I’ve been there all day with her. It has been a whirlwind of emotions, all of which leaves me extremely drained. I need to sleep.