You know how some people have those moments in which they know their partner is “the one”? I experienced that a-ha! moment a few days ago and haven’t stopped thinking about it since.
It started because I’ve been frisky all week and, because it was now late into the night and K was getting tired, threw another unwarranted tantrum. I said some really sharp, stupid shit and, long story short, wanted to leave again. We had a mini argument and we both went to bed angry. I fell asleep while K went off to do other things…
That incident really made me open my eyes and realize I am an extremely selfish, manipulative, obnoxious, angry individual. I am an idiot. I’m extremely embarrassed, and still very ashamed of my behavior and attitude. Anyway… I’m not sure how long I was sleeping for, but the guilt and self hate had set in. I found myself in an extremely sick place (an event I haven’t experienced in years) with extremely macabre, morbid episodes. I kept killing myself. I saw myself driving to the lakefront in the quiet hours of the night and drowning in the lake a naked, pathetic mess. I saw myself driving far up north to a secluded area and dying of carbon monoxide poisoning. I saw my lifeless body hanging in a tree. The worst part was that everything felt right, as if it was something I needed to do right then and there.
I woke up crying; I haven’t cried that hard in a long time. Luckily K was laying next to me in bed – if he wasn’t I most likely would have done some serious self harm. He comforted me while I cried. All the frightful thoughts went away and that was the exact moment I knew.
He did this after my outburst, after how I treated him. He could have left by then, he could have ignored me, he could have berated me. But instead he was there with me… he gently held me and calmly spoke of happy times.
I’ve been trying to break up with him forever now due to my own insecurities. There was always some sort of excuse I made up to abandon us due to my stupidity and juvenile attitude. Maybe if I’m nasty enough, he will leave; this is what I deserve as happiness isn’t an experience I should have. Or I don’t like that you have/do X, Y, Z. I need to leave because this was supposed to be temporary. Just nitpicking and trying to find a crack somewhere so I could create another hole. I’ve caused him so much pain and grief, yet he’s still here by my side. Despite our differences, he’s always been there for me. And I’ve been desperately trying to throw away what true love is for years.
It’s time to destroy the defense mechanism I built and start accepting what love is. Time to lose the insecurities and take chances making myself vulnerable. Most importantly, I need to show him how much I love and appreciate him.
He is my one and only buggie.