Better

Remember that time I was concerned about taking 40 grams of citalopram? I don’t want to jinx anything, but it’s been wonderful so far.

The tiredness, flightiness, moodiness, and inability to concentrate seems to have mostly faded away. No more dark places, at least not since I’ve switched over. My mood seems to be stabilized and I’ve been and felt so much happier. The past few weeks with K have been just delightful, fun, and extremely passionate. Overall life feels much more fulfilling.

This is what I needed and I hope it stays this way.

Why?

My parents I tell you. Went to visit them yesterday and my dad gleefully told me that my cousin, who is a fresh graduate, just landed a job making $30 an hour in her field. Which is great for her. However, what bothered me is his tone. He said it in the “see, look how amazing your cousins are, why can’t you guys be like them” tone. Then he went on about how they’re going to buy a 250k house and that I should follow suit and buy them a house. Then he went on to ask my sisters how their futures are looking, etc.

No thanks.

I wish my parents would talk about their kids like how the do other people. I’ve a career in my field that pays decent and I’m a self sustaining adult now, but nope – not good enough.

Parents.

After the Moment

I really need to re-evaluate my priorities and what I’m doing with my life. Not that I’m unhappy with any areas of my life at the moment, but I feel as my time and some areas could be better utilized.

There are still so many questions I ask myself, such as if I want to make my hometown permanent, or if I’d be better off finding a new place to call home.

One problem for sure is the Celexa. I’m afraid of going up in dosage. Though it has tremendously helped in calming down the overwhelming thoughts in my mind and made me much more sociable, I’m really lethargic and that makes me not motivated to do anything. It’s also a lot more difficult to orgasm, and as such I haven’t had any desire to do the deed by myself. Getting intimate so far hasn’t been too much of an issue though. Kind of afraid as to how it will affect my life down the road.

Inquisition

It feels so nice to take a break from work and life.

K, my sister, and I partook in a tiny staycation in which we rented a hotel downtown and enjoyed this year’s Pride festivities where we spent two days letting our mind and bodies go wild. Well, kind of. K & I spent our second day being lazy and lounging around while my sister partied it up.

It was something we all very much needed and I appreciate everything and all the little things in between that we did together. I loved how cold it was, yet we were all happily sharing fries together. How K and I walked and held hands while making funny noises about Bibimbap. So dorky! And our bed picnic.

K seemed more calm and I loved that he was overall so thoughtful and exceptional. He really went above and beyond in ensuring my sister and I were comfortable which is quite admirable because she means the world to me.

It was a lovely weekend and it leaves me with more questions as to what I’m doing and what I want. He is honestly great, has most of the qualities I’m looking for in a partner, and has disclosed that he knows what he wants now. Though the feeling of always leaving has mostly subsided, I’m still kind of burned out by the past and unsure what I want at the moment (some of this could be attributed to my medication, which is also why I’m afraid of the doc’s recommendation in going up to 40mg).

As a co-worker put it, I’m probably bored and searching for something new, though the notion of exploring bodies isn’t something I’m particularly fond of. I’m more interested in exploring each other intellectually, having more deep conversations, and little adventures. At the moment we’re going to keep doing what we’re doing as we have another mini staycation planned for July. Looking forward to it :)

Till next time blog.

Hello there

Hello blog, you’ve been missed.

I’m in week 5 of medication treatment and my battle with depression has relapsed. Week two and three was going well, but it’s slowly falling apart. Things that were really important are now just meh, and I have no motivation to do anything. Going to work, a place that’s more on the positive side of my mind, has become a constant battle – very unlike me. Darker thoughts have been looming. I have a doctor’s appointment coming up soon and hopefully we can discuss options and symptoms.