Push and shove

I was so frustrated last night, so determined to start fresh the next day. It was time to forget him and I felt the urge to move on due to his inability to commit after months of trying to fix things. Was going to meet new people and live happily ever after.

And I was doing exactly that until I flipped through youtube and listened to Wind in Sails. Our musical tastes don’t really align, but they are the epitome of us and it brought back everything. The happy times, the hand holding, the cart runovers, the sadness, the hurt and tears.

I still love him so much and it’s torture to live this way. I don’t know why I cannot let go. I just so badly wanted there to be an us. I can’t help but feel horribly incapable of not being able to do so, not being able to be the person he’d hope I’d be. I blame myself and it kills me. As mad and frustrated as I am, it’s also my fault.

And whatever’s left of us are now just ghosts.

Crushing

I absolutely hate depression. There is no reason to feel this way, yet it manages to wrangle every bit of energy, every single thought out of me.

I hate depression.

Inconclusive

So anyone who’s been following my love life drama is probably rolling their eyes at how wishy washy my companion/partner and I are. Thankfully no one reads this (at least I would hope so), and suffice to say we’re back on good terms. He messaged me yesterday in hopes of repairing us which caught me a bit off guard as it’s a bit out of character for him to do something like that once things are “final”.

He came over to my place in the evening and surprised me with this darling bunch of flowers. It was such a thoughtful and lovely gesture, very unexpected and a great surprise.

We held hands and went on a walk down the trail near my apartment, climbed atop the abandoned railroad tracks, cuddled up and talked about the recent events that happened, us, and how we both would like to proceed. Dinner commenced after that and overall we’re both feeling very positive about us and what the future holds. The love we shared has never died and I suppose it was a good thing recent events happened. Our communication is more clear and we’re both on each other’s future forecast. He didn’t go to in depth with the whole engagement marriage thing, but I hope that’s on his radar for something down the line. With the whole recent events thing happening, my mind has finally calmed down and it’s not anything I’m antsy about anymore which feels liberating. But it’d be something I’d very much like for him to think about.

I also gave him the promise ring which sadly didn’t fit. I’m getting him the right size (I think) and will give it to him sometime. He seemed receptive and happy and that makes my heart happy. I hope he understands now how important he is to me and how it’s time to think in we’s and us.

There’s this saying that men don’t pick their women, women pick their men and he is very much the person I’d like to spend my life with. I’d be an idiot to think I’d be able to find this level of love with someone else. He is kind, patient, respectful, and understanding. He is not without his flaws, but that’s okay. I love him, all of him, and am willing to walk with him every little step of the way.

The woman in the mirror

“This isn’t easy to say,
but I think it’s time that I got moving on
So I’ll keep my thoughts focused on today,
and hope that I’m happy with where I end up.
With where I end up.

There comes a time in all our lives,
When we start living life for ourselves.
It’s not selfish to follow your heart,
to start reaching out for something more,
for anything more.”

It’s been several days and this is possibly the longest we’ve gone without contacting one another. All part of the moving on and coping process I suppose, and yes it does feel odd.

He hasn’t reached out to me and at this point most of the hopeful glimmer that we’d be salvageable has died which, in its own way, is a good thing. It’s time to accept that we were at very different points in our lives. I was very emotionally invested and just wanted to ensure we had a future. I wanted a promise and some assurance and it just never happened. Love makes one foolish and due to my impulsiveness of every day, every month that went by without a sign of anything… Due to pressuring him, he tried less and less and I just had enough. Everything just started eating at me and it made me become someone completely different. For that I’m truly sorry. But it seems he didn’t see the value in us, I wasn’t worth it, and ultimately it’s his loss.

Mentally, physically, emotionally I’m doing better. Baby steps, but I’m getting there. The photo I had printed of him lives on my fridge. The ring I was going to surprise him with is journeying back to its origin.

My mind has stopped devouring me and I’ve lost all interest in looking at & bookmarking engagement rings & wedding dresses. The thought of us coming home to one another, experiencing life together, growing old together… The house in the country and the chickens and gardens are now just a dream that I’ve bottled back up and placed somewhere far in the back of my mind. Out of sight, out of reach.

As of the moment self improvement seems to be the best route as I’ve picked up some PHP and JS tutorials and more freelance work to keep my mind distracted. However I’ll probably reintroduce myself to dating.

It was a turbulent 4.5 years and a part of me will always miss us. People break up for all kinds of reasons – sexual incompatibility, cheating, falling out of love, etc… We didn’t even have any of that. It’s trivial and silly that it had to come to this. We grew up together, loved together, and shared together. It’s difficult finding someone like that, someone that makes you happy and makes life worth it. He was my partner and my best friend. I hate that it had to come to this. But I guess when you’re not on the same page, it’s time to move on. Life will definitely be different without him.

There will always be small spot in my heart for him. I don’t hate him by any means. Disappointed yes, but no hateful feelings here. Life goes on and I aim to find someone who can give me what he couldn’t.

Future message to self

Dear self,

As of the moment you’re troubled and tearing yourself apart over someone who couldn’t care less about you.

You’re hurting now, but come summer, come next winter, you’ll think of how silly it was to let someone careless consume your mind and heart. You’ve honestly done all you could do and you’ve learned that, no matter how hard you’ve tried and regardless of the devotion that was put in, some things just can’t be fixed. Some situations are dire and it’s those moments in which you’ve learned to let go.

I hope you read this in due time and realize that you truly tried. It’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to fail. Love and loss is all part of growing up and living. You’ll read back on this and laugh at how silly you were. You will have healed and moved onto bigger and better things.

Love yourself in the process and surround yourself with positive energy.

– From future self.