“I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of the life to start as soon as possible.”
I went to the doctor yesterday and discussed depression and personality issues. This may sound stupid, but I’m kind of proud of myself for doing so. I know I have a problem; It’s been an ongoing issue that needs a resolution. This is a step towards fixing what’s wrong and supplementing what’s been going right. The session went well and he put me on some light meds. No huge difference yet, but so far it makes me lethargic and sleepy.
As far as relationships go, I’m unsure where K & I are, I don’t think we’re even in a relationship at this point. More miscommunication and everything’s muddy. While headed down to Joliet, we discussed our future & timelines. Turns out we’re on two very different planes at this point I don’t think we’re salvageable.
It’s great to have goals and needs, but I’m no longer willing to compromise as there’s been too much time invested already. I’m entering my late 20’s, why am I wasting my prime chasing this guy in circles when he cannot decide if his future intertwines with mine. It’s very clear he’s not ready to even date again and I’m ready to either move forward or move on, be it with or without him.
There’s this lovely quote from “When Harry Met Sally”: “All this time I’ve been saying that he didn’t want to get married. But the truth is he didn’t want to marry me. He didn’t love me.” Him saying that, if we move in again & live together for a year and if things don’t go right, he’ll put off engagement till the next year completely rubs me the wrong way and coincides with my theory that he’s comfortable and/or afraid of being alone. I’m sure he wants to get married – just not to me. That coupled with the fact that he wasn’t ready for a relationship after 5 months of fixing (and I got fed up and left) isn’t helping his case. It’s all so emotionally draining and I don’t even want to discuss this with him anymore.
I need time to collect my thoughts and to figure things out, I think we both need some space – No more back and forth, no more pressure, no more craziness, no more of anything. Just silence.