Future message to self

Dear self,

As of the moment you’re troubled and tearing yourself apart over someone who couldn’t care less about you.

You’re hurting now, but come summer, come next winter, you’ll think of how silly it was to let someone careless consume your mind and heart. You’ve honestly done all you could do and you’ve learned that, no matter how hard you’ve tried and regardless of the devotion that was put in, some things just can’t be fixed. Some situations are dire and it’s those moments in which you’ve learned to let go.

I hope you read this in due time and realize that you truly tried. It’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to fail. Love and loss is all part of growing up and living. You’ll read back on this and laugh at how silly you were. You will have healed and moved onto bigger and better things.

Love yourself in the process and surround yourself with positive energy.

– From future self.

Illness Illness

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Day 5 of sickness. I seem to have caught the wild bug that’s been floating around the 3rd floor east. Either I’m getting old or my immune system is weak because illnesses usually dissipate after three days and this one has lingered. I’m also concerned about the pinched nerve problem that comes and goes. It was a very unpleasant experience yesterday. This week has been rough.

Identity

This is something that’s been eating at me for a while and I wonder if there’s other people out there who feel as I do. I can’t identify with American culture, but I can’t align with my Asian roots either.

Ethnicity and history is something I find interesting but I feel like an outsider to my background. As much as I’ve tried, I don’t feel my heritage or people are inviting. They all seem too traditional or close minded, be it Animists or Christians. At the same time, I cannot blend with the American side either.

I don’t think most people have this issue and it’d be nice to find that balance or understanding or can at least grasp this strange situation. I’m not the most in tune with my heritage nor am I traditional, but it is who I am and it’d be foolish to ignore it.

Which is why I’ve always found dating to be a draining experience. It’s hard trying to find the good & someone who can relate when you have to sift through many of those who just want to fulfill a conquest or a fetish.

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It’s really trivial, but I absolutely love those little intimate moments we share.

• When you hold my hand or hug me – I can’t help but feel so safe and secure, I hope you feel the same

• When you gently kiss my forehead

• Cradling you in my arms when you’re tired

• Finding that little spot near your neck and clavicle where I can bury my face

• When you reach out and cradle me in the middle of the night

• How I get so mad at you, you can probably see the steam coming out of my ears. But you always diffuse it and I can’t help but feel just so sheepish afterwards.

• Seeing you after a long week – I can’t help but to smile that silly little smile and it makes my heart so happy… even though I’ll never admit it

• How I drive you crazy, but you hold on and stay patient with me

And how we’re vastly different, yet manage to fit together in our own little ways. I am not perfect and I know I can be a pain, but at the end of the day you are able to look past that and still kiss me on the forehead and hold me close.

You make me feel like I am the luckiest girl alive; You’ve shown me the true, honest meaning of love. I don’t believe in fairytales, but I really do hope that one day we’ll be each other’s happily ever after.

I’m really bad with words and conveying how I feel, but from the deepest crevice of my heart, I absolutely love you, every little bit of you. My buggie, my booger, I love you.

– Goober

Small Talk

This birth control is making me really amorous and emotional (in a positive way). I’m unsure how I feel about that.

I visited K this Friday. We’ve had some miscommunication issues the past few weeks but we got together, cuddled, and hashed everything out. It went better than expected and it all felt so positive and nurturing. We were able to pinpoint weak points and improvements. I for sure want to fix my commitment issues.

We drive each nuts and we will probably continue to do so, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care about him. I love him so, so much. I’d be willing to quit my job and move back to dinky Stallis to be with this guy… though I won’t admit it to him. Mostly because I’m stuck here until August (I actually really like my set up at the moment). Also because we’d both need to be on the same page and our relationship has to be beyond what it was for me to really make that move.

But it’s something I’d be willing to compromise. I think that’s a step in the right direction if we’re to be all serious and whatnot. As of the moment it’s all baby steps again, but we’re working towards being exclusive. I’m going to leave the ball in his court as to when that will be, but I’m glad that we’re both dedicated to fixing us.