The truth that lives here

I’m reading Tiny Beautiful Things and this chapter really speaks to me. Three different women, in happy relationships, all whom share the constant feeling of leaving.

Cheryl’s explains that there’s an underlying reason, especially if that feeling is firmly lodged.

“Doing what one wants to do because one wants to do it is hard for a lot of people, but I think it’s particularly hard for women. We are, after all, the gender onto which a giant ‘Here To Serve‘ button has been eternally pinned. We’re expected to nurture and give by the very virtue of our femaleness, to consider other people’s feelings and needs before our own…

But an ethical and evolved life also entails telling the truth about oneself and living out that truth…

Leaving a relationship because you want to doesn’t exempt you from your obligation to be a decent human being. You can leave and still be a compassionate friend to your partner. Leaving because you want to doesn’t mean you pack your bags the moment there’s strife or struggle or uncertainty. It means that if you yearn to be free of a particular relationship and you feel that yearning lodged within you more firmly than any of the other competing and contrary yearnings are lodged, your desire to leave is not only valid, but probably the right thing to do. Even if someone you love is hurt by that…

All of these are reasons are true enough in their specificity, but they all boil down to the same thing: I had to leave. Because I wanted to… He deserved the love of a woman who didn’t have the word go whispering like a deranged ghost in her ear…

And if there’s one thing I believe more than I believe anything else, it’s that you can’t fake the core. The truth that lives there will eventually win out. It’s a god we must obey, a force that brings us all inevitably to our knees. And because of it, I can only ask the four women who wrote to me with the same question: will you do it later or will you do it now?”

Hello there

Hello blog, you’ve been missed.

I’m in week 5 of medication treatment and my battle with depression has relapsed. Week two and three was going well, but it’s slowly falling apart. Things that were really important are now just meh, and I have no motivation to do anything. Going to work, a place that’s more on the positive side of my mind, has become a constant battle – very unlike me. Darker thoughts have been looming. I have a doctor’s appointment coming up soon and hopefully we can discuss options and symptoms.

Yes

And this is the ultimate dating advice lesson — man, woman, gay, straight, trans, furry, whatever — the only real dating advice is self improvement. Everything else is a distraction, a futile battle in the grey area, a prolonged ego trip. Because, yes, with the right tools and performance, you may be able to con somebody into sleeping with you, dating you, even marrying you. But you will have won the battle by sacrificing the war, the war of long-term happiness.

Decisions

So today there was a lovely letter taped to my door reminding me that my lease is coming up for renewal in a few months. Has it really been that long? I remember when I first moved here, when I first accepted my “big girl” job, I felt overwhelmed, so lost and out of place. How I questioned my decisions and the lonesome days & nights where I barricaded myself inside my humble abode. I felt so alone. And how I wanted to run for the hills a few times.

I can’t believe I have lasted almost a year. That’s craziness. I felt like a child last year and now my shoes are filled. I am now an independent grown adult. It only took 26 years, but really that’s something I never imagined myself saying.

Now that my lease is coming up, it’s time to decide if I want to stick around for another year here & at my workplace, or if I should find a new place to call home. Easier said than done of course, but the travel bug has bit me and I’m feeling antsy. Or do I stay put and take mini vacations instead?

I have a lot of figuring out to do.

Week 2

It has been a little over two weeks and I’ve noticed my moods are evening out. It makes me tired mostly and kind of spacey. But my sister said I seem calm, content and am more pleasant to be around in general. It’s a good feeling. For once I do feel happy with myself and with life. My confidence is starting to go up as well.